Are you are
the lowest point of your life at the moment? Guess what? You are definitely not
alone!
I almost
became a mum this year in 2013. It was such a short lived parenthood journey
and experience for me and Andy. It totally
changes my perspective on how I viewed life. Overnight, I turned over from
someone who was so adamant about not having a baby; into someone who became superbly
obsessed with my little growing baby.
There was so
much love – which was beyond words. No words can describe how much I love the
child whom was growing inside of me. There was so much hope. I yearned to see
my child and kept counting down to the days where I can finally hold him in my
arms. I have had experience the special bonding – a mum and her child. The
feeling was priceless. It was beautiful.
Sadly for
us, at our very first baby ultra-scan, our baby had no heartbeat. We were
advised by our gynae to remove our little one through evacuation of the uterus.
I was obviously grief stricken by the news. I didn’t want to shed any tears as I
didn’t want to breakdown and cry over our loss. I didn’t want to create an
unnecessary commotion at the hospital. Only God knows how shattered I was over
the whole situation. Here we are at our first checkup, first time seeing our
first baby only to know that he has passed on leaving us pining hopelessly and
losing our sanity and directions. God gave us our first baby and at 2 months,
he took it away from us.
For the
first time in life, a part of me died. I feel hopeless to lose my child whom I had
loved more than my own life. That’s motherly instinct I guess! I was scared to
face the future. I was unsure on how to relay the news to everyone else – my closest
family who are aware of my pregnancy. That was the worst night in my life! As I
try to put myself to sleep, I caressed my stomach continuously hoping for a
miracle. That night, we held our hands tightly and cried ourselves to sleep. It
was heartbreaking.
A few
months passed, I am still in pain. After the evacuation, only God knows how excruciating
the pain was. I had to juggle both my emotional and physical well-being. It was not as easy to carry on with life after
the loss. I feel so sorry for myself for having to go through such an
unfortunate event. People keep telling me that a miscarriage is common and that
we are still young to try for another child. My question to them is “When a
part of you died, how common is that feeling?”
No amount
of money could make me any happier. No amount of money could buy me back my
baby. At the lowest point of my life, I thanked God that I have Andy with me
and my prayers kept me sane. I try my very best to avoid meeting people as I would
prefer to be alone on my own. No one will ever understand this feeling that I am
facing now.
Each time,
when someone announced that they expecting, it feels like my world is crumbling
down. Imagine talking to someone who is pregnant and at times catching a glimpse
of them stroking their tummy. And here I am - a woman who has just lost her
baby. Only Allah knows best and I am sure that HE truly understands my sorrows
now.
A sad soul
who wishes for a miracle, hoping for a full recovery and the one who wants to
be happy again like before….
