Just a slight push on the button…

Phew, I am running out of time. This will be the last weekend for me and Andy revising for our RES examination. I have not even completed reading all the slides and this time it is not about procrastination! I am just too lethargic to do my revisions. Oh yes, I am!

As we sat down at the National Library to read our notes and practice our calculations, I realized that this will be our last chance to buck up and give it our best shot in the upcoming examination. We managed to concentrate in the quiet environment and at least I am able to absorb what I have studied for today. Hmm, as you grow old, it just gets harder to focus! Don’t you think so?

When we are done with the studying, we walked over to FISH and Co for break fast. I don’t know if it’s me, my temper or am I just losing my mind due to the constant and non-stop studying and memorizing? As we were seated at our table which we had reserved earlier, Andy was busily talking and looking at his friends who happened to be at the next table having his Iftar with his families. I was seated there looking at my fiancé as he kept himself busy conversing with his friends. There I was again feeling left out like usual!

Me: “So do you want to switch tables and sit with your friends?”

“Don’t ask me stupid question and what is wrong with you?” – Controlling his anger


Hmmm, after almost 2 long years of being with him, I’ve learnt to express what im feeling inside and wanted to voice out. There is no more hiding and no bottling up. If you can accept me at my worst, I will make sure that you deserve me at my very best.

Sometimes at random meet up session with his friends, I just feel so out of place. At times, you just feel weird when everyone is talking to one another and you are there being left out. To make things worst, your own boyfriend is also too involved with his friends and leaving you all by yourself. When you tried to ask him, “B what is it all about?”, he is just too engrossed in the conversation to hear you. Sometimes, he just walks away, leaving you stranded on your own. Without him realizing that, the reason that you are there with him is – to be part of him and his friends. Sometimes, I just brush the thoughts away as I understands that maybe it has been a while since he last seen them or bonded with them.

 It’s okay! Every time I had to pacify myself once I reached home. I will just try again!

Each time, I tried harder, the worst it became. It affected me as a whole and it kept me thinking am I not social enough or am I just being arrogant? Hey I have tried but it seems that my efforts are being washed down the drain at times. The most drastic was when sometimes it seems that I am so invisible. To a point that his friend had to ask me if I wanted him to talk to me since my boyfriend is too busy with his friends and also at one point where his friend had to remind him about me his girlfriend. It feels ridiculous and stupid at times when you are trying your best to be a part of someone life but they just couldn’t be bothered to pull you in and gets your involved. Disappointing huh? Each time, it just hold me back and I don’t feel like being part of the meet up regardless of whether it is a wedding, a casual dinner or anything which require me to be with him and his friends.


What? Me arrogant? For I have been trying for the longest time now! At times, I feel depressed when I think about it. I don’t like the feeling of being left alone on my own when you invited me to be with you. I just feel so out of place at times. Don’t really know what to do and don’t really know what to say! Being anti-social is not me and it just makes be feel so quiet in front of everyone. It doesn’t matter right if im not there! I’ve been keeping quiet till it came to a point where I just had to let it be known! His answer was, he will try to make me feel as part of the group. I don’t want! It just feels so strange now! Sorry friends, I would rather be somewhere else as a slight mistake will just lead me to another depression. I just want to be happier and meet up with people whom make me feel that at least my presence is there?

Some might ask me on why am I so sensitive? It’s normal that for guys especially when meeting up with one another. If that’s the case, then why do you have to bring me along? No I am not sensitive!! I have been trying hard enough and so please be fair to me! I am so used to undivided attention; May it be from home, work or my friends and thus when this situation hits me; I just couldn’t cope with it. At times I get angry with myself for not voicing out and sometimes I reprimanded myself for being so nice and sweet. In the end, I suffered the depression as I have forgotten on how to cry and let out my feelings. It seems that at times you just feel so envious that other guys are trying hard to be with their girlfriend and accompany them or at least explaining to them on what is the conversation about and I don’t get that! Seriously!

Is that how you treat a woman? “I am not everyone but I know that I will never stop loving you. It just the way I am, they way I grow up with the boys. I am sorry but I will try to improve everything”.

Words like this are encouraging and I have accepted his flaws. Still a part of me is reluctant..Maybe if things were right at the beginning, I wouldn’t have felt this way…I know I wouldn’t be…

Does it also happen to anyone of you ladies out there or is it just me? ;(