Definitely Maybe...

I remembered an occasion where I was in the cab on the way to a wedding function. For that day itself, I was honestly excited and I can’t wait to be part of the event. I got myself ready earlier than expected and got myself dressed up in my best white Kebaya. I was happy enough that I am able to fit the attire and I thanked the MediaCorp’s gym for being my companion during lunch hours.

There I was admiring myself and waiting anxiously for the moment where Andy would come over and fetch me. For the first time, I am all set to go and not late for the appointment. In my excitement while waiting for Andy, I browse through the internet (facebook..hahaha) via my device and I was completely turned off by some pictures of the event which I was about to attend.

It was a mixed feeling between cancelling the plan or just to proceed ahead with a damn black face. Of course , I didn’t have the choice right but to go. Some people are just not sensitive towards others. I shall not elaborate on what happened but for all I know I am pissed (wad dafug). To make things worst, I didn’t get any comforting words from anyone and I proceeded on with the event on a very heavy heart.

For that 2 days, I turned into an anti-social human who didn’t want to socialize with anyone. It was devastating and hurting that the one you love wasn’t tactful enough towards your feeling. It made me felt distant towards going to anymore event or gathering. There were no attempt in making me feel better and throughout I felt so isolated. If people don’t even care about how I will feel so why do I even have to care about how they feel right? Oh my, I am so full of negative thoughts. Well, who wouldn’t be?

P.S: Tiffany Blue - you are out!!

Where do I belong?

It’s Sunday again! Feet are aching from the long walk in town yesterday from Somerset 313 to Far East Plaza. From one end to the other. On the other hand, I am hungry now, blogging and Breakfast should be served in bed (especially by the future husband). Life would have been a little wonderful I guess!

What have been in my mind lately? Well, too much to be listed down in words. I’m restless and I feel so distant about everything. People change and I change. My mindset and goals have changed. My personalities and attitude changed – and hopefully for the better. The way I look at things in life changes and the way I make my decisions changed drastically.

I am no longer someone who takes in 100% of what people says and I would not accept people planning things for me. Like what to do and how my life should go and what should be done. I’m sick of listening to instructions and people telling me what to do. Haha…

I’m kind of lost interest of what is currently happening. It doesn’t excite me like it used to do. Funny though, how feelings changed when people around you don’t seem to even care about how you feel. People assume that I am OKAY and fine with everything just because I smile all the time. I just don’t feel belong in every little occasion and it feels horrible being an outcast. Most of the time the reasons given to counter those feelings are, “you are just too negative about things”. Oh well, am I? For all you know, I am a very easy going person but being there each and every time, I don’t feel belonged. It seems that people have their own interest and topics  to talk about. There is just no common topic for me to bring out and be part of everything. The feeling is very overwhelming when at times you are just left alone all by yourself. It feels weird and bizarre to be silent all the time. I lost that cheerful part of me being around people during these years. For I am not sure what is the root cause for this unhappiness.

For the fact that I’m sick and tired of having the constant negativity. It’s not healthy and I know it’s not good for the relationship. When I voiced it out, there were no assurance that everything would be fine.

That’s life for now ..the path a few more months down the road seems vague…I don’t know what to do ….

Coffee and Taufik Batisah

Never would I expect that I will bump into Taufik Batisah during my coffee break....Coffee has never tasted that heavenly for a non-Coffee lover like me!

I've been wishing upon the star since the very first day I step foot into the office..guess what, ha-ha. my wish came true..Thank you...

P.S: I didn't have those "electrocuted" moments with Taufik if compared those I felt two years ago with Andy..

Where have I been?

Here I am again, revisiting my beloved blog. Yes, it has been a while since I have updated my daily entries. I won’t say that I have been procrastinating – I’m just too busy to think and it has been quite some time that I have my own free time just to sit down and blog about life.

There’s a lot to think about:

• -          My wedding details
• -          Our property website (Most of it is done by my beloved Fiancé)
• -          Savings and more savings
• -          Family decision
• -          Planning and more plannings  

Life has been quite a blessing – settling myself down at a new environment, introducing myself to new people, meeting higher expectations and pushing myself to be a better person. A better someone to my family, fiancé and friends. 

My life changes and it revolves around a different world now - new sets of friends, flexible working hours, long journey home and especially financial issue. I need to learn to handle my money as I have been spending a lot and i am still in need of a retail therapy.

My obese body is trying to accept the Pilates class and gym and not forgetting those weekend hiking with Andy. It's crucial that i lose at least some weight for this year as the both of us have been gaining weight unknowingly??? It affected  me a lot as I couldn't stand the new body mass although the new cup size really does makes me feel sexy....that's not the point anyway...hahahaha...Who doesn't like to have a nice cup? I do ! lalala..

As the brain reaches its peak of maturity, I learn to  cherish my life and love ones more. At a certain point, the mind’s favorite word was death. I know it’s inevitable. I’m incapable of preventing it – sooner or later my time will come. It saddens me if I have to leave love ones behind or leave the world before I have succeed  or achieve my goal in this life. It kind of bizarre to have such feelings at the age of 28 and for it seems that I am just too scared to go to sleep each and every night thinking that I will not wake up the next day.

It kind of affected me emotionally and I can foresee that if this goes on, I will definitely lose my mind.  On a good note on the other hand, it brought me closer to God. 

I am not a stranger

Someone had to remind me over and over again about going to some wedding event. I find myself dragging my feet, literally! He had to coax me and gently persuading me to join him. It’s a personal issue somehow or rather. Something that I can’t seem to put aside despite the assurance that history will not repeat itself. I was reluctant to believe and there were negativities. I wasn’t able accept the fact that I will be treated the way I used too by someone whom I love.

Who in the right state of mind will? Who can accept being treated like a stranger? And please don’t tell me that that’s the way you are or it’s an honest mistake. I can’t decrypt that and I will not accept that. The whole situation has really affected me badly in a way. There were just too many flaws in me. There were just too many flaws in him. In either way, it doesn’t seem to ease the situation. Day by day, it just got worst till I just had to say no to everything.

Never start a relationship with a bad start because it’s really hard to mend it along the way…